Saturday, May 3, 2014

A Phallic Festival

We missed it guys!  Kanamara Matsuri, otherwise known as Japan’s National Penis Day, was on April 6th, but that doesn’t mean we can’t continue the celebration.  After all, America doesn’t have any kind of phallic celebration.  As far as we’re concerned, the cock doesn’t exist.  In movies and television we sure get an eyeful of the female body—however photo shopped it may be.  But whenever we see a penis it is usually a tiny, flaccid thing, laughable to behold. 

Not in Japan, where penis monsters and dick parades hold a dear place in peoples’ hearts.  The legend goes like this:

When a woman refused the advances of a demon, the demon got pissed and gave her vagina some sharp ass teeth.  Pretending her privates had not been transformed into a bear trap, she tried to marry, twice, and both times the poor saps got their junk bit off.  Unable to live with her snapping vagina, or Vagina Dentata, if you want to get technical, the girl went to a black smith who decided the only way to get the thing to stop biting is to break that mother fucker’s teeth off.  So he built her an iron dildo, and the next time her vagina bit down on a cock, the cock bit back.

The myth dates back between the 16th and 17th century, when Japanese prostitutes gathered at the Kanayama shrine to pray for business and protection from disease.  Today, people gather at this shrine for what can only be described as THE BEST DAY EVER!  There are penis sculpture, penis lollipops, penis art, penis…EVERYTHING.  And don’t think you have to leave your little ones at home to enjoy the festivities.  Hell, bring the whole family.  Pay homage at one of the three cock altars, or mikoshi, or get your picture taken with this guy:

Call me bias, but the Japanese have the right idea.  Here in America we've tucked our penises away without celebration.  Well, I won't stand for it.  I hereby declare the rest of this week penis week, and on my blog i'm the king of dicks.  For the next 7 days I am going to write about any and all dick related items.  And as always, feel free to erect your own penis-related stories, and let's celebrate the cock together




  1. All my dick related stories have angry fathers in them. Usually screaming at the top of their lungs about how could I fuck their daughters. The answers usually varied from 'Easily!' to 'Should I really need to explain that to you?' Except that girl and the tree, her I caught a pitchfork from her father. Even longer story.

  2. From an early age, I was told that my noodly appendage was of the dev-ill. Of course, those religious nutters got to me after I had developed my critical thinking faculties, so their efforts to turn me against my own cock were in vain. Thank the FSM.