Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Sex Year in Review

2014 has come and gone.  At midnight balls will drop all over the country as the New Year blows its load all over us in a cloud of confetti.  But I couldn’t let 2014 pass away without a countdown of some of the sexy—and sometimes not-so-sexy—things that happened this year.  From Jesus to Ghomeshi, 2014 was definitely a year to remember.

Oh, Jesus.

Earlier this year, Jesus was reprieved of all sexiness when it was discovered that an ancient piece of papyrus scribbled with the words “And Jesus said to them…My Wife” might be a fake.  The small chunk of papyrus, discovered by Karen L. King in 2012, passed a battery of tests to its authenticity, but researchers still aren’t convinced.  The general consensus seems to be that this is just a damn good forgery.

You can almost hear the pinched sigh coming from Rome.

For centuries upon centuries people have argued about the celibacy of Christ.  But I’m not convinced.  I like to think that Jesus Christ, if he existed at all, has gone through enough shit already, what with being nailed to a cross and having his name incite such violence and all.  Do we really need to neuter the man, too?

RuPaul's Tea

Mama Ru found herself in a steaming pot this year when the “T” kept spewing from her mouth.  I’m talking, of course, about the word tranny.  After an episode of Logo’s RuPaul’s Drag Race in which contestants played a game called “Female or She-male”, the network was greeted by a backlash of epic proportions from the trans-community.  As a result, Logo pulled the controversial episode (so those of us who couldn’t watch it when it aired couldn’t watch it at all) and Drag Race discontinued its long-running series “You’ve Got She-mail.” 

About time, too--only took the community six years to realize host, RuPaul Charles, was using such a derogatory term.

Ru went on to defend his use of the word tranny on an episode of WTF with Marc Maron, saying “I love the word tranny!” explaining that the people pissing and moaning about him saying it are “fringe people who are looking for storylines to strengthen their identities as victims.” 

I can’t help but agree.  When there are young trans people in the world right now being killed for simply being, I feel like titles are a bit insignificant.  But, not being trans myself, I’ll defer to the experts on this one—like Buck Angel, a female to male transgender porn star who probably said it best:

“…by making all this new vocabulary, bottom line is they’re alienating the rest of the people in the world who want to understand and then get sort of irritated…Isn’t that the point of us to educate the world to understand that we’re just normal?”

The Longest Kiss

NFL Player Michael Sam came out in a huge way this year when, while being drafted for the Saint Louis Rams, he did the unthinkable.

He kissed his boyfriend on national TV.


With the media frenzy that ensued afterward, mixed with the interviews Sam is still giving, the man’s lips have to be permanently chapped at this point.  Just a few days ago Oprah talked to him about whether or not the kiss was staged before tackling the bigger issue—was he kicked out of the NFL for being gay?

 “I don’t like to think that way,” Sam told Big O in a documentary that recently aired on her FABULOUS Oprah Winfrey Network.  He went on to add, “But I do believe I’m a very talented football player and I’m going to continue working hard and try to get that opportunity to play in the league.”

And here’s hoping he gets that chance!  Maybe this time the media will let the man take a shower in peace. 

Vaginal Victory 

Vaginas all across the country were put on trial this year when the Supreme Court ruled that a company doesn’t have to provide contraception to its female employees because the Bible tells it so. 

Never mind that the Bible is as silent as Sarah’s womb on the matter.  Or that birth control was around long before the Judeo-Christian god burst onto the scene.   

Indeed, it was a victory for conservatives everywhere.  “One of the most significant victories for religious freedom in our generation,” said Tony Perkins, Family Research Council President.  A freedom that, in this case, infringes on the freedoms of countless other people and has laid the precedent for others to deny service based on bigoted, outdated beliefs.

But don’t worry, ladies, there are still options.  Like vasectomies, which are still covered under the Hobby Lobby ruling.  Of course, that doesn’t matter beside the various other health benefits of birth control, but silver lining and all, right?

Marriage Equality

2014 was an historic year for gay couples from sea to shining sea.  While Tony Perkins was basking in his vaginal victory, 19 states were legalizing same-sex marriage.  And we came out in droves as we often do when there’s a party to be had.  Hand-in-hand we gave each other our hearts for the first time under the full protection of the law. 


While 35 states now offer marriage to same sex couples, our fight is far from over.  Not when conservatives are still trying to disguise their discrimination and intolerance as religious freedom.

As long as there are Tony Perkins in the world, there will always be douche bags fighting the freedoms of others beneath the banner of Christianity.  And that’s okay, because if the queer movement has taught us anything, we can take a damn banner and make it more fabulous than before.

Nick Jonas

You're welcome.

The Year of Consent

Misogyny in all of its ugliest forms reared its head this year.  From #YesAllWomen to the UVA scandal, “rape culture” came to life in 2014 like never before as women from all walks of life took to the internet to expose the gender gap so prevalent in America.

After a boy in California went on a psychotic rampage targeting women he felt had sexually shunned him, Twitter became a staple in bringing to light the misogyny and sexual ignorance that is buried deep in our culture with the hashtag #YesAllWomen.  Later, #GamerGate exposed the sexism within gamer culture while Jennifer Lawrence and a number of other celebrities had their naked selfies leaked all over the internet.  And for once, victims weren’t just allowing themselves to be victimized.  They were fighting back, and in a huge way.

Even in the often misunderstood BDSM community, where consent is KEY, victims of sexual abuse were, and still are, coming forward.  Jian Ghomeshi was a name none of us had heard until victims began coming forward with allegations of sexual abuse and being exploited by Ghomeshi to fulfill some unfulfilled BDSM fantasy.  The allegations levied against Bill Cosby painted another portrait of the depravity money and power can introduce to the sexual spectrum. 

Then, in November, a Rolling Stones article outlining the brutal rape of a University of Virginia student was published.  Since then, the article has been largely discredited and once more victims of sexual abuse were thrown under the bus.

Are they lying, too?

Hell no, they are not lying.  The number of people who lie about being raped is so astronomically low that it hardly bears mentioning (less than 2%), and while there are those who lie (some people are just assholes) I think it’s important all rape allegations be taken seriously by each level of authority.

This isn’t the case, though.  Not when rape in the military is under-reported because of a fear of repercussion. Or when cities across the country are sitting on hundreds of untested rape kits.  Or when our schools are turning a blind eye to the sexual abuse of their students.  

Regardless of the UVA scandal with Rolling Stone, in May the Department of Education began investigating 55 colleges for mishandling sexual assault complaints.  By December, that number rose to 90.  Proof we made some progress in 2014.  And evidence of the work we have left to do in the upcoming year.

Well, that about concludes my sex year-in-review and the first year for Sex and a Cup of Coffee.  Lots more sexy things are waiting in 2015, and I can’t wait to get to it.  For now it’s time to make some resolutions and then throw them away.  Let 2015 be your year.  Love, empathize, show compassion and smile.  And above all, stay sexy.  

Until next year...


Monday, December 8, 2014

Sex Anomalies of the Truly Bizarre

Growing up I knew a man, we’ll call him “Doug.”  Doug was on the Indianapolis police department and, after a high-speed chase gone wrong, ended up bed-ridden and unable to feel anything below the chest. 

Doug was a paralyzed.

What was interesting about Doug’s injury wasn’t the way it affected his sensory-motor skills.  It was the way Doug experienced an orgasm whenever he urinated. 

Unable to control his bladder, Doug was catheterized.  Whenever that clear bag began to fill up Doug’s eyes rolled back in his head.  One gnarled hand would clutch the railing to his hospital bed as the entire thing shook with what I can only imagine was the best piss in the world.  He would even make little choked grunting sounds until he was finished.

It was fascinating, really.

Since then I have tried researching other accounts of this happening but have turned up short.  Nobody seems to have heard about orgasmic urination as a result of a spinal cord injury.  Of course, it doesn’t help that the sexuality of the disabled isn't much discussed in our culture, but I digress.

Doug got me thinking about some of the more mystifying aspects of human sexuality.  The Ripley’s Believe it or Not of sex.  So for your enjoyment I submit some of my favorites:

Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome

I can only imagine the discomfort and embarrassment Doug must have felt whenever he had to urinate, especially in a roomful of nurses or his grandchildren.  But at least when he was done taking a whiz, the sensation of orgasm subsided. 

This isn’t the case for people suffering from persistent genital arousal syndrome.  According to the British Journal of Medical Practitioners, PSAS is defined by a persistent physical arousal of the genitals void of any sexual thought or activity.  In some instances, suffers feel like they are about to orgasm.  Others actually do—over and over and over again.  One report I’ll link to is about a woman who experienced a series of 180 orgasms over the span of 2 hours.  That’s an O every minute and a half!

Sound like the life?  

Sufferers would say, “No.  No it isn’t ass hole.” 

Imagine having sex with your partner and suddenly you find you can’t stop coming.  The inkwell’s dry but the pen keeps scraping the bottom.  Lots of muscles go into an orgasm, all contracting in tandem.  What if they just didn’t stop?  Your body literally turned against itself like some sexually unrelenting sadistic master. 

And what’s more, there doesn’t seem to be an explanation for it.  It happens without warning to the most unsuspecting of people.  And though men are less likely to be affected, we aren’t off the hook.  Even you, reader, could be the next ticking time bomb of orgasmic release.  Walking through the mall.  At the supermarket.  Hell, the holidays are here, it could happen over Christmas dinner, in front of memaw and papaw and everyone. 

Talk about your Christmas memories.

Arteriovenus Malformation

Imagine, if you will, jerking off and nearly killing yourself.  That is what happened to Ashok Rajamani when he was 25.  You can read all about it in his book The Day My Brain Exploded: A True Story. 

I didn’t. 

I read an excerpt from the book published in Salon.  In that excerpt, Rajamani explains how, while waiting to go to his brother’s wedding, he decided to get in some well deserved fap time.  Things were going pretty much the way they always did until Ashok blew more than just his load. 

From the excerpt:

“As my solo act came to its usual splashy end, I felt a sudden, massive pop inside my head.
I had jerked off innumerable times before, but this orgasm was different; this orgasm was unnatural.
Something was wrong, horribly wrong.
I felt a fierce explosion in my head.”
Ashok had just experienced a massive brain hemorrhage caused by a congenital birth defect known as an arteriovenus malformation.  Essentially, a tangle of rogue blood vessels had knotted up in the back of his brain constricting the flow of blood.  Over time, and numerous jack off sessions later, Ashok’s brain couldn’t handle any more.  He literally burst! 
But, as Ashok’s doctor explained, it was bound to happen one day.  “Many brain hemorrhages and aneurisms are urogenitally based, which means they usually happen when a person’s having sex, giving birth, or going to the bathroom.”
At least poor Ashok got something out of it first, for all the hell he went through later. 
But if you’re worried AVM might affect you…well, it might.  Arteriovenus Malformation is believed to affect 300,000 Americans, 12 % of which  experience physical symptoms and 1 % actually die.
I’m beginning to wonder if this would have been a better blog post for Halloween.

Earlier this year a Reddit user gained internet fame by posting what might be some of the most famous dick picks ever.  Claiming to have two fully functional penises—a condition known as diphallia or penile duplication—this guy showed no shame when he flashed his double dong for the world to see.  The photos are hard to look at. 
I’m going to go ahead and link one right…here.
While everything about this guy might have been photoshopped, diphallia is a real medically recognized condition.  Recent research shows that 1 in 5.5 million boys are born with two sex organs, ranging from double glans (heads) to two identical penises capable of doing everything you’d expect two penises to do.   
Didelphys is the female equivalent of diphallia where a woman is born with two vaginae.  This was the case for Blanche Dumas in the 19th Century who, after getting her start in a sideshow for having 4 breasts, 3 legs, and 2 sexually active vaginas (and a partridge in a pear tree…?) became a popular Parisian sex worker.
Sound like the next episode of American Horror Story
Well, it kind of was. 
Blanche Dumas allegedly sought out a man by the name of Juan Baptista dos Santos—another sideshow sensation known for having three legs and two dicks—to sate her hypersexual vaginae.  From there the couple hit it off and could often be seen perusing about town hugging and kissing, a tangle of arms and extra legs.  And by the sound of things Blanche and Juan gave zero fucks about who watched their lovemaking, all of their sex organs smashing together in an orgy of anomalistic flesh.  And to them I say, santé!

That is all I have right now.  The museum is closed.  Though I am interested in hearing from anyone who wants to add to the list.  Feel free to leave a comment or two.
On a side note I would like to add that there is a lot of disturbing, unsexy shit going on in the world right now.  I could write about it…but anything I could say has already been said in a thousand different ways. 
Inequality is a real problem with real consequences.  
Through it all, though, I’ll be here with a cup of coffee and this blog.  Writing about human sexuality and the different, sometimes disturbing ways we celebrate it.  And who know, maybe I can help you smile amidst all the chaos.  So until next time you beautiful people…