Growing up I knew a man, we’ll call him “Doug.” Doug was on the Indianapolis police department and, after a high-speed chase gone wrong, ended up bed-ridden and unable to feel anything below the chest.
Doug was a paralyzed.
What was interesting about Doug’s injury wasn’t the way it affected his sensory-motor skills. It was the way Doug experienced an orgasm whenever he urinated.
Unable to control his bladder, Doug was catheterized. Whenever that clear bag began to fill up Doug’s eyes rolled back in his head. One gnarled hand would clutch the railing to his hospital bed as the entire thing shook with what I can only imagine was the best piss in the world. He would even make little choked grunting sounds until he was finished.
It was fascinating, really.
Since then I have tried researching other accounts of this happening but have turned up short. Nobody seems to have heard about orgasmic urination as a result of a spinal cord injury. Of course, it doesn’t help that the sexuality of the disabled isn't much discussed in our culture, but I digress.
Doug got me thinking about some of the more mystifying aspects of human sexuality. The Ripley’s Believe it or Not of sex. So for your enjoyment I submit some of my favorites:
Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome
I can only imagine the discomfort and embarrassment Doug must have felt whenever he had to urinate, especially in a roomful of nurses or his grandchildren. But at least when he was done taking a whiz, the sensation of orgasm subsided.
This isn’t the case for people suffering from persistent genital arousal syndrome. According to the British Journal of Medical Practitioners, PSAS is defined by a persistent physical arousal of the genitals void of any sexual thought or activity. In some instances, suffers feel like they are about to orgasm. Others actually do—over and over and over again. One report I’ll link to is about a woman who experienced a series of 180 orgasms over the span of 2 hours. That’s an O every minute and a half!
Sound like the life?
Sufferers would say, “No. No it isn’t ass hole.”
Imagine having sex with your partner and suddenly you find you can’t stop coming. The inkwell’s dry but the pen keeps scraping the bottom. Lots of muscles go into an orgasm, all contracting in tandem. What if they just didn’t stop? Your body literally turned against itself like some sexually unrelenting sadistic master.
And what’s more, there doesn’t seem to be an explanation for it. It happens without warning to the most unsuspecting of people. And though men are less likely to be affected, we aren’t off the hook. Even you, reader, could be the next ticking time bomb of orgasmic release. Walking through the mall. At the supermarket. Hell, the holidays are here, it could happen over Christmas dinner, in front of memaw and papaw and everyone.
Talk about your Christmas memories.
Imagine, if you will, jerking off and nearly killing yourself. That is what happened to Ashok Rajamani when he was 25. You can read all about it in his book The Day My Brain Exploded: A True Story.
I read an excerpt from the book published in Salon. In that excerpt, Rajamani explains how, while waiting to go to his brother’s wedding, he decided to get in some well deserved fap time. Things were going pretty much the way they always did until Ashok blew more than just his load.
From the excerpt:
“As my solo act came to its usual splashy end, I felt a sudden, massive pop inside my head.
I had jerked off innumerable times before, but this orgasm was different; this orgasm was unnatural.
Something was wrong, horribly wrong.
I felt a fierce explosion in my head.”
Ashok had just experienced a massive brain hemorrhage caused by a congenital birth defect known as an arteriovenus malformation. Essentially, a tangle of rogue blood vessels had knotted up in the back of his brain constricting the flow of blood. Over time, and numerous jack off sessions later, Ashok’s brain couldn’t handle any more. He literally burst!
But, as Ashok’s doctor explained, it was bound to happen one day. “Many brain hemorrhages and aneurisms are urogenitally based, which means they usually happen when a person’s having sex, giving birth, or going to the bathroom.”
At least poor Ashok got something out of it first, for all the hell he went through later.
But if you’re worried AVM might affect you…well, it might. Arteriovenus Malformation is believed to affect 300,000 Americans, 12 % of which experience physical symptoms and 1 % actually die.
I’m beginning to wonder if this would have been a better blog post for Halloween.
Earlier this year a Reddit user gained internet fame by posting what might be some of the most famous dick picks ever. Claiming to have two fully functional penises—a condition known as diphallia or penile duplication—this guy showed no shame when he flashed his double dong for the world to see. The photos are hard to look at.
I’m going to go ahead and link one right…here.
While everything about this guy might have been photoshopped, diphallia is a real medically recognized condition. Recent research shows that 1 in 5.5 million boys are born with two sex organs, ranging from double glans (heads) to two identical penises capable of doing everything you’d expect two penises to do.
Didelphys is the female equivalent of diphallia where a woman is born with two vaginae. This was the case for Blanche Dumas in the 19th Century who, after getting her start in a sideshow for having 4 breasts, 3 legs, and 2 sexually active vaginas (and a partridge in a pear tree…?) became a popular Parisian sex worker.
Sound like the next episode of American Horror Story?
Well, it kind of was.
Blanche Dumas allegedly sought out a man by the name of Juan Baptista dos Santos—another sideshow sensation known for having three legs and two dicks—to sate her hypersexual vaginae. From there the couple hit it off and could often be seen perusing about town hugging and kissing, a tangle of arms and extra legs. And by the sound of things Blanche and Juan gave zero fucks about who watched their lovemaking, all of their sex organs smashing together in an orgy of anomalistic flesh. And to them I say, santé!
That is all I have right now. The museum is closed. Though I am interested in hearing from anyone who wants to add to the list. Feel free to leave a comment or two.
On a side note I would like to add that there is a lot of disturbing, unsexy shit going on in the world right now. I could write about it…but anything I could say has already been said in a thousand different ways.
Inequality is a real problem with real consequences.
Through it all, though, I’ll be here with a cup of coffee and this blog. Writing about human sexuality and the different, sometimes disturbing ways we celebrate it. And who know, maybe I can help you smile amidst all the chaos. So until next time you beautiful people…