Friday, May 29, 2015

Let's Get Clitoral! Clitoral!

With Masturbation Month almost at an end, I would be remiss if I neglected that already misunderstood part of the human anatomy—the clitoris.  But don’t say it too loud.  It is rumored that if you say its name three times one appears behind you in a mirror and you can hear a dead baby crying.

Of course, my jokes aren’t too far from the truth.  Myths about the female vagina abound even today.  In Egypt, for example, where 1 in 3 girls are circumcised, it is believed female genital mutilation actually aides in reproduction.  The truth is that infection from female genital mutilation can actually cause sterility and death. 

Here in America—where we don’t circumcise our women but we sure as hell keep their vaginas under legislative lock and key—the clitoris is finally getting its day in the sun.  With her project: “100 Natural Laws of Cliteracy” artist Sofia Wallace is tackling the clit and all those wily misconceptions that go along with it.  

And it is CLITERALLY the best thing ever!

In a Huffington Post article, Wallace explains the project:

“I wanted to talk about female genitals in a way that I felt wasn’t really being talked about.  For me, this word ‘cliteracy’ perfectly breaks down the idea of the project…It illuminates this idea of total illiteracy and incompetence when it comes to the female body.”

As probably the most clit-obsessed gay man you’ll ever meet, I’ve come to realize that, other than making babies, we don’t really put much emphasis on the vagina here in America.  How appalling is it that we live in such a sexually driven age and yet the female orgasm has been systemically dismissed as a side thought or altogether unimportant?

It isn’t surprising when the sham that is sex education teaches sexual denial rather than safe sexual pleasure.  When masturbation is viewed as Lucifer’s greasy knuckle and birth control just an abortion in a bottle.  Even science dragged its feet getting to the root of female sexuality.  Once we discovered female ejaculate played no part in fertilization, science ejected itself right out of the discussion.  It wasn’t until 1998 that the rest of the female vagina was finally mapped out, and by then we didn’t care because we were still searching for that elusive G-spot. 

Well no more.  Today we celebrate Masturbation Month and clits everywhere.  Everything you ever wanted to know about the clitoris—and maybe some things you didn’t—is right here in this clit-tastic blog.  Enjoy!


The word clitoris is derived from the Ancient Greek word Kleitoris, or “little hill.”  Our friends, the Greeks, might not have known the depth of the clit but many cultures since have at least viewed the clit as the source of female pleasure.  According to Nicole Lock:

“Women and their genitals were considered inverted versions of men in ancient Greece and in Renaissance Europe.  It wasn’t until the eighteenth century that European scientists began to think of men and women as separate sexes.  Females were still considered the lesser of the sexual binary, menstruation was still considered an illness, and women were still considered weaker than men.”

Throughout the centuries various cultures have picked up the torch of female sexuality, but it wasn’t until 1998 when Urologist Helen O’Connell used MRI technology that someone finally got cliterate.

 The Clit and Dry

Today we know that most, if not all, female orgasms come from direct or indirect stimulus to the clitoris.  The clit is shaped like a wishbone and has some 8000 nerve endings.  No wonder it feels so good that some women squirt.  And yes female ejaculate is real and no it’s not pee.  About 1 in 10 women can squirt, though this might be the next mythological dragon doctors try to slay.

Not to get too technical either, but it’s important to know what you’re working with down there.  The clitoris consists of the glans, or “little hill” our friends the Greeks were on about, a clitoral shaft that reaches between 4 and to 9 centimeters inside the pelvis, two corpus cavernosum which wrap around the clitoral body, and two cura, bearing little bulbs.      

Okay, maybe that is a little too technical but don’t worry.  You can find your very own vagina here.  Download, color, and label away.  Make notes.  Learn your clitoris.  Sadly, too many female-bodied women don’t.   

But that is what is so majestic about Masturbation Month!  It encourages everyone to take time and explore the things that turn us on down there.  Take time to learn about your vagina and give it what it aches for.  


According to The Society of Obstetricians and Gynecologists of Canada, 10% of women are anorgasmic—meaning they have either never experienced an orgasm with a partner, themselves, or both.  Perhaps they didn’t realize they were having an orgasm.  Maybe the almighty O failed to live up to all its hype.  Either way, failure to experience this release can leave some women feeling achy and empty inside.  Like an itch gone unscratched.  The female equivalent of “blue balls.” 

The truth is women experience orgasms in vastly different ways.  What’s important is not to judge others’ experiences by your own.  Pleasure comes first and foremost.  Then, possibly, you come.  Masturbation is one way to help understand your body, what feels good and what doesn’t.  If you have a sex toy around, all the better.  If not, just bang one out the old fashioned way.  And here are a few added tips once you get going:

1.    Kegles.  Kegels have various health benefits, the most beneficial of which is sex.  By squeezing your pelvic muscles like you’re stopping your pee-stream, kegels are a great way to strengthen your pelvic walls.  And you can do them anywhere!  I’m doing them as I write this sentence.  Women report more intense orgasms and men say they shoot like they’re fifteen again.    

2.    Nipple Orgasms.  Breasts can be very erogenous for women.  During sexual arousal the female breasts can swell up to 25%.  New studies suggest they are also a direct link to the clitoris.  According Dr. Justin Lehmiller:

“The researchers discovered that stimulation of the nipple activated an area of the brain known as the genital sensory cortex.  This is the same brain region activated by stimulation of the clitoris, vagina, and cervix.  What this means is that women’s brains seem to process nipple and genital stimulation in the same way.  In light of this, it is not at all surprising that many women are aroused by having their nipples touched and that, for some, this may be enough to lead to orgasm.”  

Some, not all.  Remember, your bodies are like precious sexual snowflakes.  Dr. Lehmiller also follows with a word of advice which I will echo here.  Some nipples are more sensitive than others.  Don’t go pulling one off trying to get your nut.  Use caution.  Learn what feels good and run with it.

3.  Orgasmic Meditation.  One of the most heart-wrenching stories I ever heard was in the 2002 HBO documentary The Vagina Monologues, when an elderly woman described crying the first time she saw her vagina.

Apparently this is not uncommon.

In her 2011 TEDx Talk, Nicole Daedone describes female arousal as a hunger amongst Western women.  She goes on to describe a specific type of masturbation in which her partner stimulates the upper-left-hand quadrant of her clitoris for 15 minutes.  What happened next sounds like an orgasm of explosive proportions.

Criticizing the DSM-V and its definition of Hypoactive Female Sexuality Arousal Disorder, Daedon said:

“I do think we have a pleasure deficit disorder in this country.  And I don’t think it’s medical.  I think it’s a cultural issue.  I do think, though, that there is a cure and that cure is orgasm.  But it’s going to be a very different definition of orgasm than we know.  It’s not going to be that fleeting moment of climax that seems to take the whole rest of the act hostage.  It’s going to be a definition of orgasm that actually works with a woman’s body.  So rather than trying to stuff the woman’s body into an ill-fitting definition, we make the definition work with what the woman’s body does.”

Beautifully said, Nicole!  In this country we are so cock starved we castrate our women.  Figuratively speaking, of course.  We put too much emphasis into defining pleasure we forget to just lay back and experience it.

And that is why we celebrate May. 

Masturbation Month is more than just a tongue-and-cheek reason to talk about jerking off.  Its entire concept was to promote sex positivity and safe sexual awareness in our schools.  As it stands now, kids learn more about sex from porn than their schools.  And we see how much emphasis pornography puts on the female orgasm, let alone all the other shit kids should be learning and aren’t.  More on that later.

For now, this is where I leave you.   

Until next time…


Monday, May 11, 2015

The Iceman Cometh

Humor me as I let my nerd flag fly a moment…

Last month, Marvel Comics made a huge announcement with a leaked panel from their upcoming All New X-Men #40.

Bobby Drake, aka Iceman, is gay.

In celebration, Shawn Ashmore, who plays the cool-tempered Bobby Drake in the X-Men movie franchise, tweeted his congratulations.  Coming out, as the LGBT community knows too well, is a courageous and sometimes dangerous thing to do.  And when you’re in high school the stakes can seem all the higher.  So congratulations, Iceman…

Except, you didn’t come out. 

You may not even be gay.

You were coerced into believing something about yourself by Jean Grey, a telepath who literally mind-raped you until she stumbled across your dirty secret.  In some areas of psychology this is called a suggested or false memory, and it is frowned upon.  Just ask Professor X.

Yes, I know the X-Men is a comic book…that it is a fictitious account of a boy who doesn’t exist.  But the concept behind it is still very much ingrained in our society: this binary system of sexuality which entraps us.  You are either this—or you are that.

For example, having been found out, Bobby Drake argues that in the future he is straight and has other partners—female partners.  Jean Grey gives him this look which suggests he’s wrong. 

The truth about sexuality is not so cut and dry.  Like Iceman’s mutant power, sexuality is fluid.  It can take many different forms in a various number of circumstances.  It is unfair and unreasonable to box a person into a certain sexual mind frame.

Recently I heard a passing comment about how most bisexuals were really gay.  This biphobia is something I see more and more in mainstream pop culture.  Bisexuals exist, and they certainly don’t need someone coming along with all these preconceived notions of sexuality telling them they are wrong—especially when there is no possible way we could understand that person’s sexuality and sexual attitudes.  It is dangerous and confusing, and can lead to a person feeling ostracized, as many bisexuals feel from gay and straight communities alike. 

The rules for sexuality are steadily shifting.  Every other day, it seems new terminology surfaces just so we can understand sex a little better.  Nonetheless, sexuality can seem like a prison—one, that in order to escape, must be done under the cloak of darkness. 

Alfred Kinsey attempted to show that sexuality wasn’t so fixed with his 6-point Kinsey Scale.  Conservatives would argue that the Kinsey Scale is dangerous because it threatens to change sexuality as they know it. 

Look out! The whole world’s gone gay! 

On the contrary, Kinsey, as well as countless researchers since, has only shown that sexuality is not fixed.  It transforms with our own experiences.  With the genetic makeup of our brains.  Kinks and fetishes and desire can sometimes pop up to surprise even us.  It is important to remember that, when “coming out” you might change your mind.  And that’s okay.    Unfortunately for Bobby Drake, there is a bully at school who just cemented him into sucking cock for the rest of his life just to prove a point. 

And that isn’t cool.      

Until next time my se-X-y mutants…


Friday, May 8, 2015

May the Fap be With You

It’s May, and I think we all know what that means.

Happy Masturbation Month!

It’s the one month out of the year when we can all sit back, relax, and spend some quality time with the one we really love.  Hell, light some candles.  Draw a bubble bath.  You know, really make an event of it.  You’ll feel better and, let’s face it, you deserve it.

Masturbation has had a long, arduous cultural journey.  What was once viewed as a physical and spiritual death sentence, wrought with contraptions worthy of a sadist’s wet dreams, is now viewed by most scholars as a healthy, beneficial part of human sexuality at any age.  Now if we could just get schools to teach it that way maybe one Texas school wouldn’t have an outbreak of Chlamydia on their hands.

The lack of sex ed in public schools is what kicked off national masturbation month in the first place.  In 1994, Surgeon General of the United States Joycelyn Elders suggested masturbation be taught in schools.  This, from the same woman who had the audacity to say “We really need to get over this love affair with the fetus andstart worrying about children.”


I love her!

But that sass lost her the support of the White House and soon, then President, Bill Clinton was asking for Elders’ resignation.  In response, sex toy company Good Vibrations declared May 7th, National Masturbation Day in order to promote sex positivity and everybody’s god-given right to beat off, not to mention reduce some of the persisting taboo about this age-old past time.             

Tossing one off doesn’t just reduce unwanted pregnancies and STIs.  The science is in and it shows a whole slew of health benefits to masturbation.

Jerk off.  Masturbation boosts levels of oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine—reducing stress and filing us with a satisfied glow.

Pound one out.  A nice strong orgasm is good for reducing those uncomfortable cramps during your period.

Out with the old, in with the new I say.  While guys are seemingly producing new sperm with every breath, that sperm is only good for a few days.  Emptying your sack, so to speak, releases that old rusty sperm clogging up the ol’ pipes, making room for newer, more motile swimmers with a lust for life.

So the decision is made.  Science has proven masturbation to be beneficial to our overall sexual health.  Where do we go from here?  There is always the old fashioned way.  Working with the tools we have.  But there is also an orgasmic-ton of toys out there designed to help you celebrate Masturbation Month the best way possible.  Here are a few of my favorites:

1.      TheFleshlight

The Fleshlight is advertised as the #1 sex toy for men, and I can see why.  If you guys haven’t experienced the gentle caress of one of these masturbating sleeves then your jerk off sessions are seriously lacking.  These things look like a flashlight, earning the name Fleshlight, and they are designed to be safe and easy to clean. 

No penis, no problem.  Fleshlight also makes dildos.  They come in various shapes and sizes, including alien, cyborg, and Avatar.  Just think about it!  Within the allotted shipping date you could be fucking an Avatar of your choosing, probably earning James Cameron even more money.     

2.      Vesperby Crave

Sex with Emily’s Emily Morse talks a lot about her new sex necklace.  Vesper is an “in-plain-sight” vibrator that you can take anywhere.  It has three settings and comes in three different shades—silver, gold, and rose gold—with matching chains.  Not very fashionable if you ask me, but it will do in a pinch.  Like when you’re on an extra long flight or that sexy waiter is late with your steak.  The Vesper by Crave is there for you.

3.      TheWankband

The Wankband gives jerking it a cause.  According to PornHub, adult website and makers of the Wankband:

 “Every day millions of hours of adult content are consumed online, wasting energy in the process and hurting the environment.” 

So PornHub stepped up to the plate where climate deniers refuse to even acknowledge there is a game.  The Wankband is the first renewable energy source of its kind.  Just strap it to your wrist and wank away.  As you do, the Wankband generates electricity from your natural movements and allows you to recharge your device, phone, or that new Vesper you just bought.  Just think about it!  You can love the earth as you love yourself.  Of course, if you want one of these planet savers you will have to wait in line.  The Wankband is still in beta testing—lucky beta testers.

4.        Real Touch

This thing sounds amazing!  The Real Touch is essentially a smart fleshlight—a smartflesh?—that connects its owner to a virtual online world of porn.  Real Touch launched its company in 2008 with a sex toy you plugged into your computer and that would simulate whatever sex act it perceived in a pre-programmed bank of porn.  By 2012, Real Touch upgraded with a fancy new joystick a partner could use as a type of virtual dildo.  A suck here = A suck there. 

It wasn’t long before the creators of the Real Touch were giving them away to the military as a way to keep in touch with their partners back at home.  We all want to honor our Vets and the creators of Real Touch found a way to do just that.

Unfortunately, the Real Touch is no longer for sale.  By 2013 the cash flow had stopped and the Real Touch was discontinued.  But don’t lose heart, fellow jerk offs!  The creator is sure some money bags will pick up the fapper’s cause once more, especially since Real Touch has gained some popularity since it was discontinued.  And when it goes on sale I will be the first in line.  Virtual porn?  Yes please.

Obviously there are many ways to jerk off this May and even more reasons to do it—the most important reason is YOU.  So get busy with yourself.  There are a lot of days left this May, and each one of them are yours.

Happy Masturbating!