Friday, May 8, 2015

May the Fap be With You

It’s May, and I think we all know what that means.

Happy Masturbation Month!

It’s the one month out of the year when we can all sit back, relax, and spend some quality time with the one we really love.  Hell, light some candles.  Draw a bubble bath.  You know, really make an event of it.  You’ll feel better and, let’s face it, you deserve it.

Masturbation has had a long, arduous cultural journey.  What was once viewed as a physical and spiritual death sentence, wrought with contraptions worthy of a sadist’s wet dreams, is now viewed by most scholars as a healthy, beneficial part of human sexuality at any age.  Now if we could just get schools to teach it that way maybe one Texas school wouldn’t have an outbreak of Chlamydia on their hands.

The lack of sex ed in public schools is what kicked off national masturbation month in the first place.  In 1994, Surgeon General of the United States Joycelyn Elders suggested masturbation be taught in schools.  This, from the same woman who had the audacity to say “We really need to get over this love affair with the fetus andstart worrying about children.”


I love her!

But that sass lost her the support of the White House and soon, then President, Bill Clinton was asking for Elders’ resignation.  In response, sex toy company Good Vibrations declared May 7th, National Masturbation Day in order to promote sex positivity and everybody’s god-given right to beat off, not to mention reduce some of the persisting taboo about this age-old past time.             

Tossing one off doesn’t just reduce unwanted pregnancies and STIs.  The science is in and it shows a whole slew of health benefits to masturbation.

Jerk off.  Masturbation boosts levels of oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine—reducing stress and filing us with a satisfied glow.

Pound one out.  A nice strong orgasm is good for reducing those uncomfortable cramps during your period.

Out with the old, in with the new I say.  While guys are seemingly producing new sperm with every breath, that sperm is only good for a few days.  Emptying your sack, so to speak, releases that old rusty sperm clogging up the ol’ pipes, making room for newer, more motile swimmers with a lust for life.

So the decision is made.  Science has proven masturbation to be beneficial to our overall sexual health.  Where do we go from here?  There is always the old fashioned way.  Working with the tools we have.  But there is also an orgasmic-ton of toys out there designed to help you celebrate Masturbation Month the best way possible.  Here are a few of my favorites:

1.      TheFleshlight

The Fleshlight is advertised as the #1 sex toy for men, and I can see why.  If you guys haven’t experienced the gentle caress of one of these masturbating sleeves then your jerk off sessions are seriously lacking.  These things look like a flashlight, earning the name Fleshlight, and they are designed to be safe and easy to clean. 

No penis, no problem.  Fleshlight also makes dildos.  They come in various shapes and sizes, including alien, cyborg, and Avatar.  Just think about it!  Within the allotted shipping date you could be fucking an Avatar of your choosing, probably earning James Cameron even more money.     

2.      Vesperby Crave

Sex with Emily’s Emily Morse talks a lot about her new sex necklace.  Vesper is an “in-plain-sight” vibrator that you can take anywhere.  It has three settings and comes in three different shades—silver, gold, and rose gold—with matching chains.  Not very fashionable if you ask me, but it will do in a pinch.  Like when you’re on an extra long flight or that sexy waiter is late with your steak.  The Vesper by Crave is there for you.

3.      TheWankband

The Wankband gives jerking it a cause.  According to PornHub, adult website and makers of the Wankband:

 “Every day millions of hours of adult content are consumed online, wasting energy in the process and hurting the environment.” 

So PornHub stepped up to the plate where climate deniers refuse to even acknowledge there is a game.  The Wankband is the first renewable energy source of its kind.  Just strap it to your wrist and wank away.  As you do, the Wankband generates electricity from your natural movements and allows you to recharge your device, phone, or that new Vesper you just bought.  Just think about it!  You can love the earth as you love yourself.  Of course, if you want one of these planet savers you will have to wait in line.  The Wankband is still in beta testing—lucky beta testers.

4.        Real Touch

This thing sounds amazing!  The Real Touch is essentially a smart fleshlight—a smartflesh?—that connects its owner to a virtual online world of porn.  Real Touch launched its company in 2008 with a sex toy you plugged into your computer and that would simulate whatever sex act it perceived in a pre-programmed bank of porn.  By 2012, Real Touch upgraded with a fancy new joystick a partner could use as a type of virtual dildo.  A suck here = A suck there. 

It wasn’t long before the creators of the Real Touch were giving them away to the military as a way to keep in touch with their partners back at home.  We all want to honor our Vets and the creators of Real Touch found a way to do just that.

Unfortunately, the Real Touch is no longer for sale.  By 2013 the cash flow had stopped and the Real Touch was discontinued.  But don’t lose heart, fellow jerk offs!  The creator is sure some money bags will pick up the fapper’s cause once more, especially since Real Touch has gained some popularity since it was discontinued.  And when it goes on sale I will be the first in line.  Virtual porn?  Yes please.

Obviously there are many ways to jerk off this May and even more reasons to do it—the most important reason is YOU.  So get busy with yourself.  There are a lot of days left this May, and each one of them are yours.

Happy Masturbating!

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