The future is here, folks. Since the dawn of sci-fi, humanity has longed for a robot they can boss around and control. Sure, we have Siri. And I’m sure that, if Siri could, she would have a long list of commands us infantile humans have tried to make her perform.
No, Siri will not bury that dead body for you, but she will give you a list of the closest dumps for your convenience. If you’re lonely and need a friend to talk to, however, Siri could give a shit less.
Fuck you too, Siri.
Now, someone—or something—is giving that automated bitch a run for her money.
“Pepper is the first humanoid robot designed to live with humans,” according to Aldebaran, the group that developed him. Pepper can detect your tone of voice, touch, and emotion, and can even carry on a conversation. “Capable of both adaptation and self-improvement, he will soon be able to surprise and entertain you.”
One day, he may even convince other robots to overtake us humans, and thus the Matrix is born. But the app for that is at least ten years away. For now, Pepper has bigger problems to deal with.
Like sexual assault.
That’s right. Pepper the robot is so cute and packed with so much personality that people are trying to fuck him. The problem is so persistent that manufacturers felt it important to add this little tidbit as a violation of Pepper’s terms and conditions:
“Acts for the purpose of sexual or indecent behavior, or for the purpose of associating with unacquainted persons of the opposite sex.”
He never stood a chance with the way us humans try fucking anything that moves. But if robot sex is your bag, there is good news on the horizon. According to David Levy—chess expert and robo-sex enthusiast—robots will have the ability to fall in love with humans by 2050. That sentiment is echoed in a report from futurologist Dr. Ian Pearson, which predicts love and sex will become more separated as more people start humping robots.
Not a bad idea, if you ask me. Love and sex are already so intermingled that we have a hard time deciphering where one ends and the other begins.
Of course, that is exactly what opponents of sex robots are worried about. Opponents like robo-ethicist Dr. Kathleen Richardson, who, in an interview with the BBC, had this bleak outlook:
“We think that the creation of such robots will contribute to detrimental relationships between men and women, adults and children, men and men and women and women.”
Like it or not, technology is advancing. While we are still years from any sort of pornographic holodeck, we humans certainly have taken great strides in giving our genitals the stimulus we think they deserve.
Take the Occulus Rift, for example—a virtual reality headset available to the public early next year that, quite frankly, I need to own. I’ve been hearing about the Rift for over a year now from the hosts of Mysterious Universe who helped beta-test it. Just look at these people playing the game Affected. Creepy. According to the Rift:
“The Rift’s advanced display technology combined with its precise, low-latency constellation tracking system enables the sensation of presence—the feeling as though you’re actually there. The magic of presence changes everything. You’ve never experienced immersion like this.”
I know what you’re thinking and yes, VR porn could be a reality. In some ways, it already is. Earlier this year, Cosmopolitan did a piece about Ella Darling, a 29 year old librarian turned holographic porn sensation. On shooting such a new type of porn:
“It’s shot in 180 degrees so no one could be in there. I thought they would be in there directing me, but they just set it up on the wall and walked out. I treated it like a webcam show where I was talking to the camera and being as genuine as I can be. They loved it. He said it was the first time he ever watched porn and felt like he was connecting with another person.”
Whether we like it or not, it appears virtual reality and robots will soon infiltrate our bedrooms...and then the world.
But who am I kidding?
If they didn’t cost $5,000 I’d totally buy a RealSex Doll. Except male. And hairy as a caveman. I wouldn’t even care that its face was detached and sat on the bottom of the crate like something out of Leatherface’s wet dream. If I just spent $5000 to get my cock electronically serviced, I’m sure as shit getting my money’s worth.
Until next time you sexy flesh bags,